Letter from home 11/21/2018: Homecoming starts with me
Several members of our church went to IHOPKC Homecoming, including my second son Kiley. I asked a few of them to share two Sundays in the roll. Many shared that they were very moved by how closely the Homecoming people engaged with one another, and were hoping that the same could happen in our church. That day I also asked my son to share, and we engaged in a very deep conversation…
He said, “I saw many couples in Homecoming are quite intimate with one another, but you and mom are not. Most of the time you are downstairs concentrating on your work and mom is upstairs playing with the game on her Ipad, you don’t talk to each other much, sometimes even confrontational. Your tone of voice is not very nice, I believe there must be some deeper root issues….”
I said, “May be mom has a higher expectation of me, she feels I am not capable enough, I did not clean the garage for a long time, roof needs repairs for a while…, so I am not good enough as a husband.”
He said, “No, no, no, that’s not it, it is your heart. Mom does not feel you cherish her enough. You are very focused on your own thing, didn’t spend time with mom intentionally. Mom actually is quite accommodating to you. I feel you should treat mom better, loving mom is your responsibility as a husband, Homecoming must starts with you.”
We talked for a long time that day, finally he said, “To share about Homecoming, I actually don’t know what to say. “
I said, “Why don’t you just share what we talked about today on Sunday, just be honest, it will be okay. What you are sharing is exactly right – for the church to become a home, it needs to start with me. Luckily I am still alive and there is chance for me to change. “
He said, “Once I shared it in public, you need to start working on it, right?!” I said, “I will, I promise. “
After our conversation he asked me, “Was it too heavy for you? ” I said, “No, I accept it 100%, I am willing to change.”
I told him, before I went aboard after graduation from university, I can’t recall exactly what happened, my father admonished me and I was not very happy. Then my father said, “You are an adult now, ready to go aboard, there will not be many people in the society that will speak truth to you, they will criticize you behind your back, for those who does speak truth to you, you need to treat them as friends.”
We chatted about something else, I said, actually I have made progress, many people in the church had made improvement also… Then he asked me, “Have I made progress?” I said, “Yes! You have matured a lot. You are bold and have wisdom, able to speak the truth to your dad, that is not easy, but you spoke well and I didn’t feel offended, I can accept it completely.” After that, I embraced him and said, “Based on what my dad told me, you are the one that spoke the truth to me, I will treat you as my friend.” He smiled and said, “That was better than I thought.”
The purpose of sharing this story is to tell you that I am still in the process, but I am willing to continue to take the steps forward, not to disappoint the Lord, nor disappoint Kiley. The real Homecoming starts with me, it is not acting superficially, but come from the heart, this is what Kiley tried to point out.
It is not easy to be a family, intimacy between husband and wife is not easy, but for Kiley’s sake I want to be a good husband. Someone said, “The best gift a father can give to the children is to love their mother.” Agree? Love comes from the heart. It is not only presence in the body but absence in heart, only obligations and function as husband and wife, but no engagement in the hearts. Homecoming starts with oneself, are you willing? This is Abba Father ‘s heart desire, and the longing of our children.
I remember many years ago, Papa Gideon and Papa Demian’s church taught on relationship between husband and wife in adult Sunday school. They told me, they traveled away from church so much, so when they returned home they had to take the makeup classes on husband and wife relationship, because that is the foundation!
So, how do I love? What did Kiley point out? What is love?
I thought I had love, but my son reminded me, love is for me to come out of my boxes, to think on other’s behalf, to show tenderness, to be tender to the other is to be considerate for the other. What is love? Love is not selfish, not boast, not self-seeking, not easily angered, is patient, kind…. (1Corinthians 13:4-7) talks about this. Can I ask you, how many did you fail? I failed in almost everyone, I am ashamed!
I thought I did pretty well, and didn’t expect, to receive a failing grade from my son! Are we willing to improve toward that? Your wife is waiting, your husband is waiting, your children are waiting – hoping and waiting for the parents to change. Some couples fought most of their lives and ended up in divorce, the children not only were disappointed at the parents, they became disappointed at God….
I know we can’t be perfect, but we can improve – today will be better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I also hope we can be friends, tell me what is wrong with me in front of me, not behind me. I want to listen, I am willing to change. I believe what is impossible with man, is possible with God…
When we can be like that for each other, our children will be comforted and our Heavenly Father will say to the angels and all the saints, “See, that is my boy! My girl! “